Who remembers Molesworth ?

How to encourage gratitude?

In far off days, before the founders of Wicked Uncle were even thought of,
Molesworth roamed his school misbehaving and thinking of whizzy new concepts.

He was responsible for the invention of the super rapid, pre-filled thank you card for sending to aging relatives who had done the right thing at birthday times by sending super atomic blasters or postal orders for 10 shillings (weird form of ancient currency, roughly akin to the groat).

At Wicked Uncle we have paid homage to that genius idea by pinching it and EVERY Wicked Uncle order comes with a pre-filled thank you card. All the grateful recipient has to do is fill in the generous donor’s address and your name, cross out any sections that do not apply and sign its name at the bottom.
You can therefore buy in confidence from Wicked Uncle knowing that your generosity will be rewarded by the rapid arrival of a thank you card.

To encourage real gratitude, you have to send them cool stuff they want, ideally in time for their birthday. (We have a Reminder Service that takes care of this as well). That is lucky because we have stacks of cool stuff.

Things they might want: For the aspiring hooligan, the folding Slingshot is impossible to resist.

For the junior teenager, the Silver Strawberry Bead Bracelet.

For the boisterous toddler, we have the Ole Orangutang Hand Puppet, great for chasing your friends around the garden.

And for the very small person we have the Musical Hedgehog, also good for flavouring crisps.

Anyway we have stacks of stuff for everybody from 0 – 12, all organised by age and Boy/Girl so shopping can be done in less time than it takes to check the score in the Rugby World Cup.

Whizzingly yours,


The Wicked Uncle Molesworth Admiration Society

Ps These are excellent books and we think every kid should read them.

PPs and some random jokes for six year olds....

Seeing one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, she said, "Robert, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Robert looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, that explains what happened to you."

What's the connection between Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun?
Same middle name.

Are you cool ?

The big question - Are we actually as cool as we think we are ?

When you look in the mirror and sing along to "I'm gorgeous", do you ever have the sneaking feeling that maybe you are not as cool as you would like to be ?

Do all your various audiences "get" your unique and wonderful characteristics ? More to the point, are you down with the kids ? When your name is mentioned to the little people in your family, do they spontaneously go "Cool! like cooler than something very cold indeed wrapped up in an icebox" or do they say "Who?"

Have you ever missed a little kid's birthday ? Have you let down Tiny Tim ?

Well,rest assured, if you are getting this email, you already know about Wicked Uncle so you are inherently on the cool side of the street. The only thing you have to do is follow through.

This is where our super clever Reminder Service comes in. If you can once find out when all the liitle people have their birthdays and put that in our Reminder list, not only do you never have to remember birthdays again, but we will send you an email with a dozen present suggestions geared to the right age, click on one, you are logged in to the website and, if you have bought before, you are 6 clicks away from a present speeding on its way to Little Timmy. If you haven't bought before, then you can do it in a minute.

Summertime In Wicked Uncle Land

Easter in the Sunshine

It is of course perpetual Summer in Wicked Uncle HQ, but now the sun is shining outside as well ! And nobody is doing any work. Unfortunately this includes the teachers so you may well have inherited the care of some small people.

Characteristics of small people: require endless interaction, demand stories, eat strange food, watch really bizarre TV programmes (talking pigs, Iggle Piggle, boys who turn themselves into dinosaurs, artistic turtles who live in sewers) and have endless energy - especially at bedtime. And an aversion to baths.
How does the really cool uncle cope with all this ?

First he clicks his smartphone onto our friends at Storynory *(totally free) and downloads a bunch of emergency kids' stories read by Natasha. Then he calls up Wicked Uncle and orders the ultimate cool uncle garden accessory - the 8' trampoline, buys a couple of Saturator Water Guns to keep them away from his record collection and he is ready to host the kids for the weekend. Oh and you need to hide the TV so you do not have to sit through hours of strange programmes that will cause you really weird dreams like you last had when you were a student.

If the garden's not quite big enough for a big trampoline, then the Junior Version works pretty well in exhausting the small people.

*Storynory - a life saver for when you really cannot make up another story to save your life. And they have done some great stories about the Wicked Uncle character. Like this one.

Happy Carefree Child Care,

The Wicked Uncle Suntanning Team

Ps Easter jokes !!!!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits' feet

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!

Time to Believe in Fairies - or else

Hands up if you Believe in Fairies

Today is Fairy Day when we feature cool stuff for girls who don't like rough boys' toys. The female equivalent of the r/c helicopter is the Flitter Fairy. These very pretty fairies flit around in the air hovering around you in Tinkerbelle style obeying your every command.

When you wave your hand the fairy moves to your command. (It is the ethereal equivalent of Dave The Monkey , but without the burping).

It looks like magic - obviously because it is. See it here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=318bPWJWyaM.

We also have a jar full of fairies. They are obviously naughty fairies because we can't let them out. They are very small so you can't see them during the day, but at night time, they come alive and flit around inside your jar. Very useful for a night light as well.

For the really junior fairy in your life, we have a pair of wings - very useful for flying around the house and bumping into things.

Naturally being Wicked Uncle, we also have a Bad Fairy outfit. Perfect for putting spells on new borns and, topically, ideal for appearing at weddings with handsome Princes and casting spells on the Princess.

Happily Fairy Gift Giving,



The Wicked Uncle turned into Guinea Pigs for Not Believing in Fairies Team

Ps Special Bonus Feature - a genuine Fairy Story from our friends at Storynory. Click here to read the story to your adoring nieces.http://storynory.com/2008/11/03/the-fairies-of-merlins-craig/

Dave the Monkey and the Poppy Appeal

Dave is a huge hit in the pub and on Saturday raised £200 for the British Legion Poppy appeal. And all the girls wanted to pat him.

Hopefully more Daves are coming very soon so you can get your own new friend - and bnuy one for your niece / nephew as well of course.

Dave the Monkey - guaranteed to be more interesting than some of your friends. (Not the really cool ones who work in Baghdad occasionally, or the really sexy ones who you have always fancied, but definitely more fun than some......)

Dave - LATEST NEWS !!!!!

Well the prediction was right - we did sell out. We do have more coming, so if you did not get your Dave, do send us an email and we will notify as soon as they come in - hopefully middle of next week.

PS Dave is great. Slightly unfortunate name, but he is a very happy little fellow.

Dave The Monkey

Dave - your New Best Friend

Dave The Monkey is the Best Thing EVER !!! You need to buy one now - today - this minute, before we run out.

Dave is a very appealing black and white squirrel monkey who sits on your shoulder and interacts with everybody you meet. He waves, shakes hands, does a high five, laughs, nods and shakes his head, goes mental and burps on command. He also does botty burps which is just totally brilliant if you are six years old. (NB he is not actually a real monkey, you control him with the little remote control hidden in your pocket).

We have had him for 24 hours and the only way I could write this was to leave him at home.

Two options in your campaign to be the baddest, wickedest uncle ever:

1. Buy Dave The Monkey for the small person in your life, send it off and get massive cool points.

2. Buy Dave yourself, stick him on your shoulder and then go to visit small people and become massive Pope-style celebrity visitor held in awe for ever.

The big advantage of Plan 2 is that you get to play with Dave for as long as you like. You need to practise a bit to get that insouciant, cool operating method. But that can be highly entertaining in the pub, on the bus, at work.
You will probably make lots of new friends.

There is a slight downside as you do find yourself holding conversations with a non-real monkey called Dave......

Or Option 3. The approved method, buy 2 x Daves give one to small person and keep one for yourself. Way more fun than an imaginary friend. And unlike some of your real friends, Dave will not expect you to tidy up, will not disapprove of excessive beer drinking and doesn't care what time you come home.

The bad news, we are bound to run out. Check him out on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHRFkibtAHo&feature=player_embedded

STOP PRESS: We now have 26 Primary schools (and 1 Hospital) signed up to our Fund Raising voucher scheme where we pay the PTA £5 for every new customer. Send us an email if you want to join in.

Happy New Friend Shopping,





The Wicked Uncle We Love Dave Team

Ps Last week we asked for jokes from our female readers and offered a prize. Our three best jokes were the following:

Q.How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
A.It depends how thinly you slice them!

Q. How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes 12 trips to the DIY shop.
A. Just one, but if it's the same bloke that's supposed to be taking out the rubbish, it'll never happen.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three; one to screw it in and two others to start a discussion group about how much better than a man it was.

We will give the prize of a Silver Heart on a Chain to the first of our three entrants who emails us with an indication that they are female.......

School PTA Scheme - Update

Dear World,

So far we have 15 schools and 1 hospital signed up to our Fund Raising scheme. The idea is that your school PTA contacts us and we set up a Voucher code. They tell everyone who is likely to buy a present for a kid to use us - ideally that will be the grandparents, the uncles, aunts and godparents. Every time a new customer comes on board and uses that voucher code to identify the school, we pay £5 to the school PTA.

A wonderful example of capitalism providing benefits to the community.........

Give it a try, send us an email info@wickeduncle.com.

Mike

Raise Cash for your School PTA

Brilliant Fund Raising Idea

All school Parent Teacher Associations are always trying to raise money to buy Art teachers, Mandarin lessons, extra cellos etc.

We at Wicked Uncle have a brilliant plan which we have just implemented with our first primary school in Battersea.

It works like this:

1. The School PTA get in touch with us. We create a voucher specially for their school.

2. They tell the parents and they tell uncles, aunts, godparents etc.

3. Every time someone orders using that voucher code, we donate £5 to the School PTA.

What is in it for us ? We get new customers.

We can set this up in about 5 minutes per school. So please tell your PTA. If you get started now we would be delighted to start handing over huge sums of money as the Xmas season gets under way.

.......In other news, we have to report that the Hexbugs are proving very popular and our newly 6 year old tester is very pleased with his.

We have also got a few more Spy Watches just in, but they have been so popular, we can't get any more so if you want one, please grab quickly.

Happy Fund Raising,


The Wicked Uncle Fund Raising Team

Ps Some school jokes.....

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"

On the last day of school, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the sweet shop owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of chocolates!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the wine shop owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

How to be a Better Secret Agent

Like James Bond only Coooler

As we all know James Bond is a really cool secret agent - but just too 20th Century. Today's kid deserves something better, so we have tooled up with the latest Spy Gear.

These are what to give the aspiring SIS man/woman:

Instead of an Omega Divemaster, we have the Spy Watch with 8 functions including a night vision light, a motion alarm, a pop up sight with cross hairs, secret message capsules and even a stop watch, a wake up alarm and the time !

NB £10 voucher to the first person who can tell me which watch the first James Bond wore on film.

While resting up after a tough adventure, today's aspiring agent protects his personal space with a Laser Trip Wire Alarm. Perfect for keeping small sisters out of your room or warning you when parents are coming up the stairs.

And finally when prevention does not work, the Secret Agent has to resort to serious destruction. This is when you turn to the Viper Blaster rocket dart firer. Fold down to use one-handed or extend out to rifle style. It is not just a gun, it is a whole hi tech life style.

Will kids like them ? Massively.

Happy Agent Equipping ,




The Men from Wicked U.N.C.L.E.

PS Some random jokes for the politically minded:

Why do Marxists like fruit infusions?
Because all proper tea is theft.

How many SWP members does it take to change a lightbulb?
The SWP never changes anything, comrade ......

How to be a Better Uncle and get £10

Part of the Wicked Uncle series on How to be a Better Uncle (or even better aunt).

1. Become an Astronaut, or possibly a Formula 1 racing driver.

2. Have a constant fund of stories to tell small people (preferably not involving things their mothers would disapprove of. Like vampires.)

3. Take them to really cool places on days out.

4. Remember their birthdays.....

We can't help you with 1., as for the rest....

Stories - It is impossible to remember enough stories and you can't be expected to walk around with a kid's library in your pocket, however there is a brilliant solution out there. Storynory have a website with 00's of brilliant stories. You can download them as audio files or just read them straight off the website - absolutely free. All you need is your smartphone. They have also done some great stories about a character called The Wicked Uncle.

Really Cool Places - here we need some help. We want to send out a list of great places to go. If you have had a successful day out or found a brilliant place to take kids on holiday, let us know, we will include it in our list and send you a £10 Wicked Uncle voucher. We then send the list out to everyone in our next email.

Birthdays - use our birthday reminder service. We send you a reminder and some age related ideas. Or try our Club concept, where we do the whole thing including choosing and sending the present - like one of these. (BTW Not real shoes, actually really smart speakers).


Happy Uncling,



The Wicked Uncle Cuddly Self Improvement Team

PS Some random computer jokes for the technically minded:

Two computer programmers are driving on a motorway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on the M1 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

Definitions: PEBKAC = problem exists between keyboard and chair. Otherwise known as an ID Ten T problem.

Two male computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey. Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replied the second student, "I was walking to class the other day, when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all off her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING you want'."
"Good choice." said the first computer science student. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Enjoy a Stylish Summer, Get your kids fully accessorised

Summertime parties are fun. Sun shines, garden is green, Pimms is cool, you are wearing your smartest clothes set off by golden tan derived from expensive holiday, but what about the kids ?

How do you ensure that the little darlings are adequately accessorised ? You go to the Wicked Uncle website and you order a super cool costume to dress them up in.

If you don't own any kids yourself, you can buy them one of these darling little outfits as a little summer present (so much cheaper and less destructive than having them to stay) and their mummies will think you are wonderful. Small people might also be impressed....

Happy Summer Party Season,



The Wicked Uncle Dressing Up Team

PS A few random Halloween jokes as all the dressing up jokes are far too rude :

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.

How to put Fairies in the bottom of your Garden

Everybody wants to have fairies in the bottom of their garden. This is how to do it.

Fill your garden with largish toadstools or invest small amount of hard earned cash in Flitter Fairies - amazingly clever remote controlled fairies that look as if they are operating independently. The trick is in the incredibly thin, almost invisible pixie thread that connects the controller to the fairy.

It is almost as good as having real fairies in your garden. The downside being that you have to replace the batteries occasionally, the upside being that real fairies can be incredibly noisy when the goblins come around.

And once you have the fairies, time to add some butterflies by buying the Butterfly Pavilion or the Butterfly Garden. Each has a complete habitat to grow butterflies from tiny larvae into full grown fliers which you feed and look after and then release into the wild, or ideally the bottom of your fairy-inhabited garden.

Happy Sensitive Present Giving,


The Wicked Uncle New Age Fairy Team

PS Apparently no jokes about fairies exist - all contributions welcome. Meanwhile Some Fairy tale-ish jokes:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There there ... giants don't cry!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Godfrey.
Godfrey who?
Godfrey tickets to the Giant's Ball. Want to come?

Who shouted "Knickers!" at the big, bad wolf?
Little Rude Riding Hood!

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

Weapons for Kids - Unleash the Inner Caveman

How to be a Hunter Gatherer

Civilisation is barely 10,000 years old, but we were Hunter Gatherers for half a billennium. And monkeys before that.

So do we think all toys should be educational, non-competitive, girly sharing stuff or should we tap into that rich seam of human myth and pre-history evidenced by all the little boys who pick up sticks and shoot at each other ?

The correct Wicked Uncle answer is of course b. So here are our recommendations for arming the Junior Caveman in your life. (NB Good idea to start now as you don't know quite how far the Coalition cuts are going).

The first and most obvious is the Boomerang. The traditional hunting weapon of the Australian is perfect for bringing down fast moving bunnies on the open plain.

Moving on to a more Western design, we feature the Toy Crossbow - ideally suited for blasting annoying pigeons off windowsills and hunting down the neighbour's moggy.

The Power Popper is the weapon of choice for those games sneaking through the house and surprising your opponents with a couple of well-aimed shots.

The Wooden sword and shield is recommended to practice hand to hand fighting and training the muscles to take on a sabre toothed tiger.

And finally we have an assortment of guns (like the automatic Water Shooter),
plus Night Vision Goggles, Walkie Talkies, Binoculars, and Spy Gear to hone their modern, survival skills thereby ensuring the younger generation can defeat any future invasion by Alien Monsters, Evil Communists, or the Klingon Alliance.

Happy Hunting,



The Wicked Uncle 1 Million Years BC Appreciation Society

PS Caveman jokes as told around the ancient camp fires of pre-history.....

What did cave men use for cutting wood ?
Dino saws.

1st Caveman 'What's that big thing with the long neck writing Jane Eyre?'
2nd Caveman 'That's Bronte-saurus.'

Neanderthal man walks into a cave with a pterodactyl on his shoulder.
Neanderthal woman said "Where did you find that?"
And the pterodactyl replied "I won him in a raffle."