Enjoy a Stylish Summer, Get your kids fully accessorised

Summertime parties are fun. Sun shines, garden is green, Pimms is cool, you are wearing your smartest clothes set off by golden tan derived from expensive holiday, but what about the kids ?

How do you ensure that the little darlings are adequately accessorised ? You go to the Wicked Uncle website and you order a super cool costume to dress them up in.

If you don't own any kids yourself, you can buy them one of these darling little outfits as a little summer present (so much cheaper and less destructive than having them to stay) and their mummies will think you are wonderful. Small people might also be impressed....

Happy Summer Party Season,



The Wicked Uncle Dressing Up Team

PS A few random Halloween jokes as all the dressing up jokes are far too rude :

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.

How to put Fairies in the bottom of your Garden

Everybody wants to have fairies in the bottom of their garden. This is how to do it.

Fill your garden with largish toadstools or invest small amount of hard earned cash in Flitter Fairies - amazingly clever remote controlled fairies that look as if they are operating independently. The trick is in the incredibly thin, almost invisible pixie thread that connects the controller to the fairy.

It is almost as good as having real fairies in your garden. The downside being that you have to replace the batteries occasionally, the upside being that real fairies can be incredibly noisy when the goblins come around.

And once you have the fairies, time to add some butterflies by buying the Butterfly Pavilion or the Butterfly Garden. Each has a complete habitat to grow butterflies from tiny larvae into full grown fliers which you feed and look after and then release into the wild, or ideally the bottom of your fairy-inhabited garden.

Happy Sensitive Present Giving,


The Wicked Uncle New Age Fairy Team

PS Apparently no jokes about fairies exist - all contributions welcome. Meanwhile Some Fairy tale-ish jokes:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There there ... giants don't cry!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Godfrey.
Godfrey who?
Godfrey tickets to the Giant's Ball. Want to come?

Who shouted "Knickers!" at the big, bad wolf?
Little Rude Riding Hood!

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.
The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

Weapons for Kids - Unleash the Inner Caveman

How to be a Hunter Gatherer

Civilisation is barely 10,000 years old, but we were Hunter Gatherers for half a billennium. And monkeys before that.

So do we think all toys should be educational, non-competitive, girly sharing stuff or should we tap into that rich seam of human myth and pre-history evidenced by all the little boys who pick up sticks and shoot at each other ?

The correct Wicked Uncle answer is of course b. So here are our recommendations for arming the Junior Caveman in your life. (NB Good idea to start now as you don't know quite how far the Coalition cuts are going).

The first and most obvious is the Boomerang. The traditional hunting weapon of the Australian is perfect for bringing down fast moving bunnies on the open plain.

Moving on to a more Western design, we feature the Toy Crossbow - ideally suited for blasting annoying pigeons off windowsills and hunting down the neighbour's moggy.

The Power Popper is the weapon of choice for those games sneaking through the house and surprising your opponents with a couple of well-aimed shots.

The Wooden sword and shield is recommended to practice hand to hand fighting and training the muscles to take on a sabre toothed tiger.

And finally we have an assortment of guns (like the automatic Water Shooter),
plus Night Vision Goggles, Walkie Talkies, Binoculars, and Spy Gear to hone their modern, survival skills thereby ensuring the younger generation can defeat any future invasion by Alien Monsters, Evil Communists, or the Klingon Alliance.

Happy Hunting,



The Wicked Uncle 1 Million Years BC Appreciation Society

PS Caveman jokes as told around the ancient camp fires of pre-history.....

What did cave men use for cutting wood ?
Dino saws.

1st Caveman 'What's that big thing with the long neck writing Jane Eyre?'
2nd Caveman 'That's Bronte-saurus.'

Neanderthal man walks into a cave with a pterodactyl on his shoulder.
Neanderthal woman said "Where did you find that?"
And the pterodactyl replied "I won him in a raffle."

Guinea Pigs - The New Black

Give a Guinea Pig - How Cool is That ?

The humble Guinea Pig is making a comeback and we at Wicked Uncle are now selling them on an experimental basis.*

You could give the birthday kid a pair of Remote Controlled Battle Tanks - incredibly cool at £49.95, or if it is female a really smart Corolle doll, however for a mere £4.95 you could light up their little faces with a genuine Guinea Pig.

As well as teaching small people all those worthy things about looking after animals, there are multiple uses for a specially trained Wicked Uncle Guinea Pig.

1. Training partner - take them to the gym, they run round the little wheelie thing, you do the treadmill. Big plus, they can't claim to have run a better time.

2. Handwarmer - carry in jacket / ski suit, pop into glove when hand is cold. Furry GP warms up hand.

3. Tie by tails and hang a pair off rear view mirror. Furry dice or what ?

4. Ear muffs - but hard to keep in position.

5. Delicious on toast.

If however you remain unconvinced, we do have a bunch of other cool stuff besides the humble GP's. We will just keep them all to ourselves at Wicked Uncle HQ and hope we don't run out of sausages.

Happy Sunny Friday,



The Wicked Uncle Knocking Off Early Team

*NB We do not approve of you doing experiments on the Guinea Pigs......

Ps A Guinea Pig joke from Germany. They do have a sense of humour...

http://www.chilloutzone.to/video/need-glasses.html

Automate your present giving

Today we launch the Wicked Uncle Club - a completely automated present service.

Normally we send you a birthday reminder, you visit the website, click on Boy Age 6 etc and choose something. Then you have to decide on gift wrapping, card, message. All this takes time when you could be doing something much more fun.

Our solution: visit the Club page, decide how much (max.) you want to spend on the kid's next present, including delivery, giftwrap and card and click to buy that amount. You can choose a voucher for birthday / Xmas or both.

You go through the normal process, fill in the kid's address and we charge you £0.01 on your credit card. When you get the Order Confirmation email, you reply to it with the kid's birthday and how you want us to sign your name (ie Billy or Uncle Billy or Aunt Billy....).

From that point on, we do the rest.

One week before the birthday (and/or Christmas) we select a present (eg like this one), gift wrap it, add a card with a simple message and post it. At this point we charge your credit card with the actual cost and send you an order confirmation so you know what we have sent.

We will carry on doing this for ever, until you tell us to stop, or the kid gets too old (30?). Result: you never have to worry about that kid's birthday again. Sorted !!!

The only teeny thing you need to remember before you buy is to tick the box under My Account - Account Details to keep the credit card so we can recharge you automatically.

Happy Non-Shopping,



The Wicked Uncle Humble Servitor Team

Ps Please pass this particularly brilliant concept on to all your most forward thinking friends and relations.

PPs Jokes to tell 5 year olds....

Q.How did the yeti feel when he had flu?
A.Abominable.

Q.Do mermaids use knives and forks when they eat?
A.No, they use their fish fingers!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Vote Today and Tomorrow

General Election ?

Apparently there is a General Election happening. And a local election, so everyone gets to vote twice. In this febrile and exciting atmosphere, we give you a third vote !

We want to know which is the coolest Wicked Uncle present. Send your vote in to us and we will enter you into a draw to win whatever it is you have voted for.

Only one person can win, but then that works for the General Election too. And at least with Wicked Uncle you get the chance of something back as opposed to whoever wins the election telling you on Friday how much more tax you are going to pay.

Here are our top three, chosen to represent our three main political parties. The first is the Ultra Techno Balls, representing hi tech perpetual motion and a lot of jargon.


Next is the Red Stiletto Speaker Shoes, ostensibly attractive but can they be both pretty and effective ?

And finally, Poo in a Box, which says it all.

See you soon in the Bright New Dawn of Political Rebirth,



The Wicked Uncle Vote Canvassing Team

Ps Jokes about politicians have been banned.....but we still like the Tony Blair spoof poster. And this one.

Help us get better

We love our customers and would like to say thank you for buying from us in the past. And we would like to ask for your help.....

Wicked Uncle is a small, eclectic, entrepreneurially run company. We would like to be a huge, eclectic, mega corporation with massive sales and an airline, a record label, a clothing brand and a bank. Possibly a train service, but we are not sure of that.

In order to do this we need more customers and to improve everything we do.

Could we ask you to do two things for us ?

1. Tell your friends about Wicked Uncle by forwarding a link to the site and saying we are great. www.wickeduncle.co.uk.

2. Tell us what we can do better.

*If you ever bought from us and received a bad service and have hated us ever since, please could you tell us ? We guarantee we will a. make it right b. get the MD to grovel enormously c. fix whatever we did wrong so we don't do it again.

Ps We are also looking for a new PR agent - any ideas much appreciated.

PPs Random joke about hedgehogs:

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they're by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!"
The other one says, "Why not?"
The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To visit its flat mate.

''Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?'' (Dan Antopolski,Edinburgh Festival)

Poo in a Box Returns !

Poo in a Box ?

Well what else did you expect from a site called Wicked Uncle ? Yes, it does what it says on the tin. Each box contains a piece of rhino, elephant or reindeer poo which contains a seed to grow a nice eco friendly plant.

Poo in a Box was one of our most popular items before Christmas and we have just got it back in stock as world poo supplies slowly reach their former level.

This is of course a completely bonkers product that no sensible person would ever consider, but has enormous appeal to small boys who think it is amazingly cool.

You could of course consider widening your use of the product to former bosses, ex-boyfriends, that nice colleague who keeps refusing to go out with you......or you could just include it as a little extra something to keep small person amused on its next birthday.

One added benefit of course is that the mother of said child will probably be revolted by the concept and you will never again risk small person being left with you for the weekend.

Ps Some poo jokes (bound to be popular with the average 6 year old):

1. A little boy comes across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poo.
The man tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."
The little boy looks up at the man and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries."

2. In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poo on it's head!"

Cool New Stuff hits the Shelves

At Wicked Uncle, the kids' gift site where you buy birthday presents for darling little ones, we have been adding stacks of new stuff. We are now way better for kids 0 - 2 and have put some great new toys in every category. We have also got somebrilliant books - like "How to be a Viking" and "How to be a Knight". (There are also girly versions about being a ballerina/princess).

How we work:

1. We tour the universe. We find cool stuff that is different.

2. We make up one page of stuff for each Boy/Girl Age (Boy age 6, Girl age 7).

3. You click on Wicked Uncle. Shop in less than a minute. You can be confident because we have done the pre-selection for you.

4. We can gift wrap, add a hand written card and send direct.

5. Kid happy. Problem solved.

If you know anyone who forgets birthdays or needs help buying kids' presents, please send them the website.

Then we send out emails with jokes you can tell (small) kids. Occasionally we stick in a slightly naughtier version. My favourite joke is still "What is brown and sticky ?", "A Stick". But that is just me, bouncing between elation (people buy stuff and love us)and despair (not enough people buy stuff. Entrepreneurialism is the best job choice in the world, apart of course from fixing sick babies / solving world hunger, when it goes well. Doubtless in my memoirs (provisional title "Well Wicked" or maybe "The Man from (Wicked) U.N.C.L.E")I will present our rise to fame and fortune as an unerring, upward path of faultless decision making, rising sales and inevitable success. But we in the dust of the start up arena know that occasionally the night dreams are bleak. Disaster is all around,there are no guarantees. But then if life was easy, it wouldn't need intelligent people to do it.

So from the brave, if foolhardy world of Wicked Uncle the prequel, we leave you with today's sheep jokes (a little feeble, but then they are for kids.....).

Q. What do you call a sheep without any legs?
A. A Cloud

Q. Why did the lamb call the police?
A. He had been fleeced

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.

Goodbye Noughties, Hello Teenies

It is the end of January - the time when your tax return, VAT, accounts are all due. When you have to pay all your bills and the illusion of large amounts of cash in the bank account melts away into the sands of a thousand payables. Tough time to be an entrepreneur.

Never give up alcohol in January - it is the worst time.I tihnk you are also allowed to put those improving resolutions on hold until the end of the month.

The resolution I ma supoprting tthis year (of course) is be nicer to children and small furry animals as well if you really want. Anyway, as for the kids, this is the Decade to send wonderful presents to every kid you know ON TIME for their birthday. And who can help you do that ?

Why us of course, the glamorous and charming Wicked Uncle team.

What you do -

1. Find out their birthdays from their mothers and write it down.
2. Go to our site wickeduncle.co.uk.
3. find the Reminders section and start entering their names and DOB.

What we do -
1. Send you an email with a dozen gift suggestions.
2. Write a hand written card from you to them - extremely caring and very realistic.
3. Wrap it, post it.

The bad news is you have to choose the present by clicking on the email and pay for it. We try to make that really quick, but itis still a bit of an effort.

So shortly we will be bringing out the Club concept. This way all you have to do is enter your Reminders, go to the Club page and choose an amount to spend per birthday.

When the time comes around, we send you an email saying what we intend to send. If we don't hear from you, we go ahead and do it and then bill you = all your birthday (and Xmas) presents for kids sorted in one go in about 10 minutes FOREVER !!!!

Watch this space as coming shortly.

End of January looms

Wicked Uncle team has been busy in January doing all the dull stuff - stock, accounts, VAT, bill payments. It is like the hangover after a great party. BTW never give up alcohol in January - this is the time you really need it with the snow really piling up outside and I wish I didn't have to leave here, baby. Anyway you know how the rest of the song goes.

Trouble is in January you don't even get 2 out of 3. More like 1 out of 10. I hereby resolve to spend the vast majority of every January for the rest of my life skiing. So if you darling Wicked Uncle customers could just get buying advance birthday presents for little Timmy, we would be so much happier.

But let us not seem ungrateful. We are in fact fantastically happy that people became Wicked Uncle customers. Without you, we would be nowhere, so if you are a customer of ours, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

BTW we do love our customers and most of our customers love us back. Some are really nice to us. If however something has gone wrong and you reached the appalling and to you entirely justified conclusion that we are the world's worst numpties, then please do get in touch. We would love to know what we have done wrong as it gives us a better chance of getting it right next time. If you are unhappy with us, we will sort it out. Emailing md@wickeduncle.com gets it straight to the top guy. The very least you will get is a grovelling apology and a promise to do better.

Also of course any great ideas, things we should be stocking, whatever - do send them into us at cs@wickeduncle.com.

Hasta la vista, Baby. I'll be back.

M

Get stuff for Small People in time for Xmas

Get stuff for Small People in time for Xmas

Wicked Uncle is on time and shipping orders with a great selection of Xmas presents for children from 0 - 12. Everything goes first class so it should get there next day or the day after.

Buy over the weekend and it will reach the post in time. Then it is up to the Royal Mail, but they are usually pretty good.

So if you haven't yet bought a present for Little Timmy, do it now and you will still be in time to light up his little face on Christmas morning. (Especially if you buy a torch).

We can gift wrap, include a hand written Xmas card and send it direct. We also offer a refund on everything we sell if it doesn't work out.

Now they are ringing the bells.....

But soon you may be wringing your hands as Christmas accelerates towards us......

Buying presents for kids is tough. Who knows what they are into? Will they like it ? Why is this brightly coloured bit of plastic with Ben 10 better than the other one with Transformers on it ? Why can you never find a shop assistant when you need one ? Will Tiny Tim get his present in time ?

What we do at Wicked Uncle - we sort everything out by boy/girl (in a non-sexist pc way of course) and by age. We select what we think are great presents from interesting suppliers that are not heavily TV branded or advertised.

We solve 100% of the problem - so we can gift wrap, include a hand written Xmas card and send it direct. We also offer a refund on everything we sell if little Timmy really doesn't like it.

As for what to choose ? Everything we have is good. Just click on the age range and if in doubt, guess. So long as what you send is not outrageously appalling (ie Lilac Fairy Dressing up outfit for Trainee Paratrooper Ralf), then it doesn't really matter that much.

The mother will tick you off as a nice relative (unlike your brother who forgot), while small person will give all the credit to Father Christmas.

Christmas is cancelled as Turkeys vote No

Newsflash - Turkeys vote decisively against Christmas !!!!!
Last night Christmas celebrations were in doubt as turkeys voted decisively against the season of goodwill.

Following the vote, Government ministers went into emergency session as turkey representatives insisted that the Human Rights Act should apply to them too.

Recent EU initiatives to expand membership to non-Europeans has been seized on by turkeys who believe that a simple lower case letter is all that stands between them and freedom.

Is it all over for the season of goodwill and mass consumption ?

Will you be able to give present buying a miss this year ?

Will little Johnny understand the crucial geo-political reasons why you have not bought him the customary cool Christmas present ?

Will he understand the need to show solidarity to our feathered friends in the shadow of the Copenhagen summit ?

If YES - give Xmas a miss, forget present buying and go to an ashram.

If however you suspect the answer may be NO, then you need to hedge your bets, by getting some emergency shopping done just in case.

In which case, so as not to waste a moment of the party season, do it all online. Which is where we can help at Wicked Uncle with ace gifts for kids 0 - 12 all organised by age and boy/girl to make it really easy.

In case you were worried, we are right up to schedule, deliveries are going out on time and all will be with you asap.